longing for home

the longing of Simeon...

2011-12-23T18:39:00.001-06:00

I love the expectation and longing of these verses, and even more so of Simeon's life...

...Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was on him. It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord’s Messiah. Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying:

“Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you may now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all nations: a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and the glory of your people Israel.”

Luke 2:25-32

Merry Christmas...
Praise God for the hope that He gave us in the birth of His Son Jesus....
May we long for His return even more so as we remember when He first came to us...

expectation

2011-12-02T16:32:00.003-06:00

yesterday, as i considered the fact that there are only 25 days till christmas (um, YAY!)... i had this thought: what were people doing 25 days before Jesus was born? were they even thinking that He could be on earth in 25 short little days? (what a crazy thing that would be to know!) now, yes, i know that the 25th of december is not the exact day of Christ's birth, but that's really not the point of all this... it was more like, hmmm... what an interesting thought...

just as we wait today for our Jesus to return, individuals way back then were waiting for the Messiah to come and deliver them. they waited in expectation... we wait in expectation... and i guess that's more along the lines of what i was thinking... what did their expectation look like 25 days before the Messiah's birth? and what does our expectation look like, not knowing if Christ will return tomorrow or in years and years? and sometimes i wonder, do we even expect Him to come? or even more so, are our lives affected by this feeling and motivation of expectation? are we excited? do we really long for His return?

i am sure that Jesus' birth was a surprise to many... i mean, we kinda know it was right? the shock of the shepherds, the erratic and fearful behavior of Herod... so as much as they waited for their King to come, the surprise of His actual coming was shocking and life changing... i guess what i just hope is that our lives are being changed in our expectation of His coming. yes, i know there will be shock and surprise at the moment Christ returns to save His people, but i do not want to only be affected AT His coming, i wanted to be changed AS I WAIT for His coming.

i was reading "the Jesus storybook Bible" last night... i love love love this book and there is one part in particular, just in the introduction, that i especially love...

"...the Bible is most of all a Story. it's an adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure. it's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne - everything - to rescue the one he loves. it's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life! You see, the best thing about this Story is - it's true. there are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. the Story of how God loves his children and comes to rescue them. it takes the whole Bible to tell this Story. and at the center of the Story, there is a baby. every Story in the Bible whispers his name. he is like the missing piece in a puzzle - the piece that makes all the other pieces fit together, and suddenly you can see a beautiful picture."

i LOVE how at the very beginning of this Bible, written for children, such a revolutionary and life changing truth is made clear... the whole Bible, the words of the old and new testaments, some of which people used as their Scriptures before Jesus came as a baby... these words all pointed towards His coming. and in His coming and in His work, all these stories, all the pieces of the puzzle came together. i want to view life from such a perspective. how is the day to day preparing the way for Christ to return? do i look for the ways God is working to prepare for His return? how i am acting and working to prepare myself and others to live and wait in expectation?

because... He is coming... He came several thousand years ago... and He will come again...

Emmanuel, God with us, will once again, BE WITH US.

...as Thou hast been...

2011-11-14T16:44:00.001-06:00

as someone who has had a couple homes... and both being quite far apart, sometimes that "feeling" of home is hard to find. i know that i have mentioned this before, but today as i was thinking about that homey feeling i had such a good time praising God for the "HOME" that He is for me. it's not just about getting those warm, fuzzy home feelings, it's knowing that in Him I belong... in Him i live and move... in Him i am satisfied... in Him i do not need to seek for anything more, for because in Him i am home and have found everything...

i have always seen God's faithfulness in my life. there may have been days or moments or weeks or months where this steadfast quality was not as apparent as other points in time, but as it often is, looking back His faithfulness was and is crystal clear. how is it that so much can change and so many things are wavering in the wind like the last leaves on the tree outside my window... and yet, God is so consistent? to know this consistency and to see it manifest itself in each moment of the day... this is what i want! may we not move throughout life's seconds missing it. i want to pause in the madness of the day and settle in on the clarity of His faithfulness. and in these "pauses", i am sure that i will find freedom. freedom from my worries, freedom from demands that i put upon myself... because in these "pauses" i will see Jesus working. i will notice that His faithfulness has been consistent not to bring me to a place where i can just move on without Him... but instead a place where i can depend on Him in the craziness and not be motivated by anything but Him.

life continues to meander, to places i enjoy and places i fear... and yet, in those places, both good and bad, the faithfulness of God is true and real and steadfast as it has even been.

"...as Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be..."

words of the wise...

2011-11-08T15:50:00.005-06:00

...a couple of quotes from some old guys long gone...
...who, by the way, are no longer longing for home...

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy,

the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

C. S. Lewis

"We must meetthe uncertainties of this world
with the certainty of the world to come."

A. W. Tozer

brokenness...

2011-11-05T22:05:00.001-05:00

for the last several weeks we've had a few things break. i mean... it's been a little crazy. the other night i listed verbally to shawn everything that we have had break and we were both surprised with the amount... nothing really of value, it just seemed like everyday we were finding something else that was broken or messed up... first it was our oven. it just stopped working. one day i went in to pull out some potatoes and i was met with a strange cold feeling when i opened up the oven. next it was the dvd player in our room. (like i said these things aren't a really big deal, it just started becoming an odd trend...) more recently we had our carbon monoxide alarm go off (which we thought IT was broken and IT was not... therefore something else was... yes a little crazy, but it's all fixed now... no worries.... mom. :) the other day i was trying to learn more about photography and somehow encountered a massive virus that, at the moment, i thought destroyed our computer... which it did not... though i don't know if it will ever be it's old, cheery self again. meanwhile, we have also had our other dvd player break and then the pipes in our house freaked out and decided not to drain.

needless to say, it has been a lesson in brokenness. not brokenness of spirit, but brokenness of things. things that won't last... things that won't even last for my lifetime... things that won't even last for a small part of my lifetime! and while the consistency of things breaking has at times been quite frustrating, it sure has been a reminder of what i can depend on and what i can not... what is important and what is not... it's also been a lesson in entitlement... when i was frustrated, even with the bigger things, like the CO alarm going off... i was most definitely reminded that many do not have a home to even have a CO alarm go off in... or that i have the safety of an alarm that tells me such things. i am not entitled to any of the above things that broke. and as i found myself frustrated, i was quickly reminded that these things are gifts and not needs.

sometimes it's the little things that bring you back to a place you need to be. something silly breaking can pull you back to realize that you don't even really need that thing. and a long list of things breaking or just one thing can remind us that these things should not be invested in. as we long for home may we truly do so... not longing for things. these things seem so unimportant as i consider our future with our God. unimportant is not even the right adjective... more like, irrelevant... expendable... worthless... i do praise God that He continues to pull my heart towards eternity. moments where i find myself caring less and less about things and more and more about people and moments that are eternal... these are changing my life. i love the process of God changing us - of seeing how He continues to alter my focus and change hearts of others. i'll take the broken any day... only to be reminded of the complete wholeness accessible through our Savior Jesus.

sisters

2011-10-20T18:41:00.000-05:00

For there isno friend like a sister,

in calm or stormy weather,

to cheer one on the tediousway,

to fetch one if one goes astray,

to lift one if one totters down,

tostrengthen whilst one stands.

--Christina G. Rossetti

today... i find myself so thankful for my sister. for someone who is not only a sister, but most definitely my dearest friend. for someone that encourages me, challenges me, and always comes back to love me for who i am and who i have always been. for someone that knows me, probably better than most others in this world. for someone who continually encourages me with a life that exemplifies Christ living through her. and as she is so far away, in a land that seems so "other-worldish" to me, a land of sandstorms and Bible stories... i think about how i am sure that she is continuing to live for Christ, just with a little extra camo in her wardrobe. so i write this thankfully, but also with a request... continue to pray for her? please? pray for transitions and for endings and beginnings of all sorts... pray for God's faithfulness... of course, He will most definitely be faithful, but that this dependable faithfulness would be clear and evident...

ode to the normal day...

2011-10-12T18:28:00.002-05:00

Normal day,let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you, love you,bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass you by in quest of some rareand perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not alwaysbe so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face inthe pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, morethan all the world,
your return. - Mary Jean Iron

sometimes normal days, i mean like normal normal normal, get me a little down... i know! crazy, yes, but i think you might know what i'm talking about... as much as i would give anything for just a normal day now and then when life is busy, often when they eventually come along, they just are so..................... normal. yes, there are great normal days and then there are the normal, normal days where you just wish something exciting would come along... and by exciting i mean "exciting for a normal day", i.e. - a text message, stepping out the front door, driving the car, talking to someone other than yourself... not quite exciting but in comparison to that "normal" day most definitely riveting! so you get what i mean... i have found myself having a few of these normal days recently... and most definitely their succession has made them even harder to tolerate... but then i stop and think and wonder why these normal days are so unattractive at some moments and at other moments they are all i want... and i catch myself once again, why do i always want what i don't have... when life is normal i want it to be exciting... when life is exciting and busy i long for the normal... ugh.

i have to challenge myself on these normal days to have a correct perspective. each day is a day that God has given to me with responsibilities that are anything but normal. in fact they are quite supernatural and eternal and huge. in these moments of normalcy i have to remember that i am called by God to use each day to glorify Him and His Son. and sometimes i think that in the normal, when we are most challenged to follow through with this task, the results can be so much more obvious than in the big, exciting moments. the most challenging thing for me is to figure out how to make this practical? any ideas? how do we live for God in our normal days? how can we follow through on the tasks that He has given us as His ambassadors? We have been made new creations, how can we do anything but respond, in the normal or the not so normal...

"...all this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave US the ministry of reconciliation (do you ever wonder what in the world was He thinking, giving US this responsibility?!?); that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are AMBASSADORS for Christ, God making his appeal through US..." 2 Corinthians 5:18-20a.

definitely not what i would define as normal...

so let us embrace the normal, not take it for granted, enjoy the blessings of the normal and use the normal to glorify our Lord and Savior... turning our day into anything but normal.

my place

2011-10-06T15:19:00.004-05:00

i am not a runner. however, as chicago moves into acolorful collage of yellows and reds, being outside is much more appealing thanthe stuffy bally down the road. so yesterday morning i took off, my pinksauconys crunching through the leaves. on went the ipod and off went allthe concerns of the week. a few minutes into my run a song by leelandcame through my headphones and i was reminded of my place... and the placewhere i should find myself and yet by God's grace, the place where i am not.

We who were called to be Your people
Struggling sinners and thieves
We’re lifted up from the ashes
And out came the song of the redeemed
The song of the redeemed

We have caught a revelation
That nothing can separate us from
The love we received through salvation
It fills your daughters and your sons
Your daughters and your sons

these words compelled my thoughts and i began to make amental list of where i should still be...

in a place that is filled with sin and darkness...

a place of hopelessness and separation...

confusion and chaos...

lost and alone...

cut off, removed, weak, futile...

unloved and with no chance...

condemned to die...

a place of pain....

dirty and completely aware of my lack of ability to everexperience freedom...

a place where God is unknown and unknowable...

and yet, this is not the place where i find myself...

i am in a place where there is freedom and unity with mySavior...

i have been made new, i am accepted and made holy...

i am in a place full of love and unity...

a place where i find healing and am healed...

i am able to MEET WITH GOD...

not only can i meet with God, He has given me a new place inHIS FAMILY...

i am not merely an acquaintance, i am family and have beengiven the rights that members of a family are given...

i am fully loved and complete...

i am in a place of friendship and peace...

i am new and have been set free from the place i once foundmyself...

and i will never return.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a newcreation.

The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

2 Corinthians 5:17

sunset in the city...

2011-09-28T15:26:00.000-05:00

awe inspiring alaskan sunsets over snow covered mountians... the orange sun sinking over a vast kansas wheatfield... but sunsets in chicago? i dunno, sometimes they just don't quite compare... however, the other night we found a good one... here's a little peak...

"the heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." Psalm 19:1.

in response...

2011-09-20T11:58:00.003-05:00

often i find myself longing for home. when life is long and hard... when things are happening that i just don't quite understand... when my relationship with God seems far and distant... fill in the blank... so many things cause us to long for eternity, but what do we do about it? i have to admit that frequently this is the extent of my "longing"- i take a few minutes, ponder the thought, maybe even spend some time with the Lord, but then i move on, the day pretty much unaffected by the past moment. and in response, as i honestly evaluate my actions, i say, "this is so wrong!" if my "longing for home" does not motivate me to more than a moment, my longing is not so much a longing but a flighty feeling.

so then, what do i do about it? what should i be motivated to do as a result of a legitimate longing? for myself, God continually challenges me and presents me with opportunities to give grace. and i do think... that yes, if i am a person focused on the eternal, a follower of Christ who longs to be with Him, i must give grace. grace is one of those things God calls us to do that i think is just a little crazy and backwards at times. hear me out, i fully believe in the power and necessity for us to be people of grace, but doesn't it at times seem a little counterproductive? i mean the concept of grace is everything that we have been trained as leaders, parents, teachers, etc. NOT to do... people get what they work for... or what they don't work for. you do something bad, you're punished. you do something good, you're rewarded. and then God calls us to be people of grace. i think we water down grace when we look at it from any other perspective.

this is grace... Jesus died for our sins on the cross. He did this asking nothing from us. our attitudes, our response, our love for Him do not and did not affect this action of grace. even though His grace should motivate us to obedience and commitment, it is not dependent on or affected by such responses. even when grace is given and the giver has an expectation of response by the receiver, this expectation in no way should or does affect the giving of the grace. it is an action that stands alone. and this is exactly what we are called to give...

and to this i say, "WHAT?!" i mean really... ok, so grace, sure i'll forgive someone... i can do that, i can be the bigger person... but grace is definitely more than just simple forgiveness. yes, forgiveness is an element, but just to forgive... there is so much more. when i think about Christ's grace that He gave us in the action of His death for our sins, there was so much involved, so much more than we even know... i look at what He did and i see that He took on the repercussions for our sin! in His grace He took on death.

when we are gracious with people and we forgive, we still have expectations... and these expectations, though they can be hoped for, should not affect our grace (no matter how big or small the action against us). grace is about our response to someone else, not their response to us. how could grace be grace if it had repercussions for the receiver of the grace... sure, i'll forgive you if you change... and i think often, all of us, and definitely me, view grace in this light. however, i see such a beauty and truth in grace that is given with the understanding that there will be repercussions for themselves (the giver) because of the giving of grace. so many times grace is given to someone who does not change... someone who does not respond... someone who belittles the gift... and then the repercussions come... work and pain and results of the sin, that you as the grace giver must deal with as well, or sometimes even more so than the receiver. to give grace and know this and accept this is huge. this is grace like Jesus gave to us.

i have so many things i want to communicate and i feel like this post is a little here and there and everywhere... but these are my thoughts. God's grace for us is unreal, huge and something that we cannot comprehend. in His Word we are called to be people that give grace. not a different kind of grace... not a watered down grace... a grace that sometimes seems a little crazy... a grace that many people, including ourselves, do not often give...

so as i long for home, as i see how this should characterize my life, i see that grace is essential in the "longer's" life. i mean how could it not be? if i long for home and not this one, i am not entitled to anything. this includes people not responding to me how they should... (i'm not saying let people walk all over you... but really think about it...) if i do long for eternity and know that as a follower of Jesus i must be a gracious follower, i am not entitled to people changing when i forgive them... people don't owe me their friendship or their deepest apologies or even the promise "to never do it again"... grace is huge. i know that God knows that it is huge... He called His Son to this task... and He calls His children to it as well.

a misspent life

2011-09-13T17:02:00.001-05:00

"a perfectly kept house is the sign of a misspent life."

- mary randolph carter

these three books are definitely three of my all time favorites. i've always loved home design... from the days of creating homes for my "little people" with blocks... til now and trying to put together an inviting, comfortable home. however, as i do love home design, home decor, etc. etc. etc.... i never want this to become who i am or what i'm known for. we were talking about our pursuits in church on sunday night and as i've thought about this in the past, it came to mind again. it is obvious, at least at times, that i am deliberate about investing in my home, but is it obvious that i am deliberate about pursuing my Savior?

i don't know what much else to say, which is amazing since i can definitely be long-winded on here... but i think the concept is simple and obvious. am i spending my life running after and following God or am i investing in something that will simply pass away with this world? i do not want to live a misspent life.

missing my first, longing for my last...

2011-09-07T16:16:00.000-05:00

so i've decided the two homes i have experienced so far in my lifetime are quite different. today as i was driving down lawrence i looked ahead and was sure i saw mountains... i mean not sure, i haven't completely lost it, i am aware i live in illinois. but sometimes the clouds just look like mountains and i like to imagine they are... but of course they don't quite cut it and i always end up missing my first home. AH! the land of the midnight sun! i wish i could take a drive down the seward highway today, along the beautiful turnigan arm and soak up the mountains... but once again i find myself surrounded by concrete... so in lieu of mountains and oceans and liberating getaways in the car i will post a few pictures of my first home...

We touched down on the sound at the top of the world
In the land of the midnight sun

Where the frozen river melts away and breaks into a run

Into the sea, into the mighty waves that waited just to see it

From a long way off that river thawed and the tide ran out to meet it

"Welcome home, unfrozen river, welcome home"

See the quiet hearts of the children of the children of this land

They have stayed alive in the day-long night by the fires that warm their hands

There is a wilderness inside them it is dark and thick and deep

And beside the fire at the heart of that wood is a precious missing sheep

So go on in, hold your torch, let it shine

'Cause all shall be well, all shall be well break the chains of the gates of Hell

Still all manner of things will be well

All shall be well, all shall be well

The Word of God will never fail and all manner of things will be well

I saw the sun go down on a frozen ocean as the man in the moon was rising

And he rode the night all full and bright with his face at the far horizon

And the night can be so long, so long you think you'll never get up again

But listen now, it's a mighty cloud of witnesses around you they say

"Hold on, just hold on hold on to the end and all shall be well"

-Andrew Peterson

i love the words of this song... i love it because it talks about my first home and yet causes me to long for my final home. all shall be well... in a world that can feel like a wilderness... redemption will come through our Savior Jesus Christ and all shall be well.

a more pressing claim...

2011-09-01T16:33:00.001-05:00

sunday night was our evening at church to share about our recent trip to kentucky. i always love these nights, to remember how God worked and what He taught us... and then being able to share this with the people that sent us is so great. each individual takes about a minute to share. i decided (out of the many things i could have shared) to share about the sacrificial service that i saw throughout the week. i saw this among our students, other individuals who served and then through the full time missionaries that work at the camp and mission. whenever we have had the opportunity to visit missionaries that our church supports i am always blown away by their SACRIFICIAL service. this is a constant challenged and something that i wanted to share with the church sunday night. i shared that i was challenged to re-examine how i serve and to make sure that i am serving in a way that is truly sacrificial.

well, monday morning rolls around, i go into work (i.e. - walk across the parking lot :) and then later come home for lunch (back across the parking lot... so so great). anyways, i'm home at lunch thinking about the coming year, how i will serve at church now that we won't be working with high school and i find myself being totally and way too protective of my life/time. i was thinking over everything and wondering if i should just really back off... and then i caught myself... well, i'm sure it was more like the Holy Spirit catching me... how do i talk about being sacrificial in my service LAST NIGHT and now, less than 24 hours later, i'm being protective and selfish with my time. do my words mean anything???

it definitely was a slap in the face and something that put me back on track. it was one of those moments where God turned my thoughts around and back in the right direction. today as i was thinking about this i decided to look up the word sacrifice in the dictionary. i love words, the dictionary and really thinking about what things mean. :) so anyways, one part of the definition reads like this:

sac-ri-fice:

the act of giving up, destroying, permitting injury to, or forgoing something valued for the sake of something having a MORE PRESSING CLAIM

so often i define sacrifice in regards to my service, just as whether or not i'm doing something. this definition from good ol' webster's leads me to believe i have been defining the word a little incorrectly. i can be so protective of my time (and i do think there is a place to be careful you are not doing too much, don't get me wrong, but i think it is more often that i tend to lean in the opposite direction) that i do not even come close to serving sacrificially. we must "give up" our time to serve our God. i love how it says too, to forgo something valued for something having a more pressing claim... yes, my time, my family, basically all God has given me is VERY VALUED but at the same time i must sacrifice all to follow and serve our Savior. HE is most definitely a more pressing claim. again, i say here we must not neglect our families and those that need to be loved by us... if we did so we would not be serving how God wants us to, but at the same time we must not protect too much that we are serving selfishly and only when we want to.

i struggle with finding the right balance. being married to a pastor DEFINITELY forces me to do this... God obviously knew my weaknesses and probably had a good chuckle putting me in this marriage with a pastor to challenge me to work on this specific weakness on a very regular basis... and often i fail. often i have such a rotten attitude. i wish my service and sacrifice were so much more than they are, that i would consider much more seriously that this is my offering to God... in the moment that i would respond with a sacrificial and selfless attitude. i must rework my thinking, putting God above all that i pursue, making Him the pressing claim in my life... not to be replaced or overlooked by anything. i want us to challenge each other with this. not to be just "nice" friends and tell each other what we want to hear, but to really work on one another to serve as we have been called to serve, sacrificially and selflessly. i know i need all the help and challenging i can get in this area... :) i want these following verses to be evident in my life... i want to continue to understand more of what Jesus calls us to in His words...

"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Matthew 10:37-39

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship."

Romans 12:1

30 years young...

2011-08-25T18:05:00.004-05:00

i have to tell you i'm kinda embracing this whole 30 years old thing! i know, i can't believe i've been around that long either (at this statement my father would roll his eyes...). and i do have to say there is a certain apprehension with the big jump to 30, but so far i'm loving it. i could list all the reasons why, but i won't cause that's just not the point (though i am super pumped about an exciting new camera i received from my family - watch out world, here i come to take your picture!)...

anyways, as i've decided already to love the 30's just as much as i have the 20's i also had this fantastic thought while washing the dishes today (man i wish i could put footnotes on this blog, i'm definitely a footnote person... anyways...). so i'm washing the dishes, my least favorite household chore that i want to turn into time with God (i.e. - my need for footnotes... one of my favorite inspiring people, brother lawrence, who purposed to spend time with God in the monotony of life such as when he was doing dishes). OH MY GOODNESS, too many side notes.

the point is, i had this great thought... nothing revolutionary here - the more birthdays, the older we get the less time until we get to see our Jesus. like i said, nothing new here, but it was definitely a moment that made me think we should embrace our birthdays with joy and celebration. i know there are downs to the whole getting old thing, but as much as we can we need to focus on the future, once again long for home in our birthdays... each year passed by and inching towards our time and future with our Savior. i've got 30 behind me and who knows how many more (my dear grandpa made it to 97!) but in each year that comes i want to learn to long and grow more to yearn for that time that we will spend with Jesus. so... let's celebrate!!!

moments of necessity

2011-08-17T17:00:00.006-05:00

compassion:

sorrow for the sufferings or trouble of another or others,
accompanied by an urge to help

urge:
to press upon the attention; present or speak of earnestly and repeatedly;
plead, allege, or advocate strongly; to entreat or plead with;
ask, persuade, or solicit earnestly; press, exhort

urgency:
the quality or state of being urgent; need for action, haste, etc;
stress or pressure, as of necessity

pride and falling...

2011-08-09T11:16:00.006-05:00

what a cabin and what a week! we spent our last trip with the high school students in beattyville, kentucky at sunshine camp, a ministry of kentucky mountain mission. the week was challenging, encouraging, uplifting... one of those that tugs at your heart. i felt that "lump in my throat" so many times throughout the week as i saw students care for individuals that need so much help. sunshine camp is a week of camp for individuals that have special needs. most of our students and leaders (including me) were counselors for the week... as a counselor you are assigned to one or two or even three(!) campers for the week. you are responsible to take care of them however they need it. our students did so great and i really did LOVE watching their hearts for God visibly displayed as they were compassionate and caring.

we have gone to sunshine camp two other times but never have i had the opportunity to be a counselor. it was so much fun to be able to be in this role this year. at the same time i really had a week where God challenged my pride and brought it to light in so many different ways. i went into the week with a nasty cold and was pretty worn out from our busy summer. nonetheless, i was ready to jump into the week, at least i told myself i was. so monday comes around, the students do great with their campers and i feel like i am doing such a horrible job with mine. she had some behavioral challenges and i felt like i was failing in every way to figure out how to work with her and help her enjoy camp... to get past those things, to get along, and to have fun... monday was a day of trying new things over and over and over again, to see what worked and to figure out how best to work with her. i kept seeing students and leaders alike, loving and enjoying their campers, doing such a great job, and again, i felt like i was failing at something others were doing great at... others that i should have been setting an example for...

i came to monday night worn out like i never expected. i don't know if it was so much the day but quite possibly a culmination of a full summer that made me feel so tired, physically and emotionally. as we were walking back to our cabin to review that evening's message, i realized that i was in charge of leading this time. however, during the message i had been so involved with trying to figure out how best to help janet (my camper) stay focused that i personally missed the message and all they were talking about. so i had this moment, walking back to the cabin where i just started crying. i felt like i wasn't doing what i should be able to do... what i need to do... what was wrong with me!? i don't do this... just lose it all of a sudden. i'm the leader here, why am i the one that is failing???

in those moments and in the ones to come, i was very humbled. i've never seen myself as a person that struggles with pride (which right there is my first problem!). i mean, i try hard not to be prideful or come across prideful, but for the most part it hasn't been a huge struggle in my life (another footnote... probably just because i hadn't chosen to or been forced to struggle). however, as i realized how much stock i put into being on top of things, keeping things together, being able to handle whatever comes my way on my own, to be a good leader in the group... i realized how much pride there was in my head and in my heart. i had to have help that night and i hated it. someone else had to lead the discussion time, while i brushed away tears that made me feel stupid every time they fell. i wasn't the shoulder for others, they gave me theirs and arms with hugs. i really felt cared for but at the same time i kept telling myself that this should be the other way around.

i had a moment that night where i was trying to get myself ready for the next four days. i thought to myself, "i'll show everyone that this was just a day and when i make it through the next four they'll see who i really am..." yuck. i hate that i had this thought. and i really hated it about a second after i thought it. what was i thinking??? I will make it? hadn't i been telling students to rely on God... to be sustained by him throughout the week? and here i was taking pride in the fact that i could be "self-sustaining".

moments like these where God reveals our ugliness are hard and defeating - something that was hard to take at the end of a long day. but at the same time trusting Him with the next four days (unsurprisingly) gave me much more confidence than resting in my own abilities (that had failed me that very day!). i do feel like even since we have been home this past week God has been bringing to light that pride isn't always just something that is visible on the outside, but definitely a disorder of our hearts and minds. i must not take pride in the things i am able to do or accomplish, even and especially in ministry. i am not the one who accomplishes anything in my life or ministry. over and over we MUST remind ourselves that God is the only reason we are able to move and breathe and accomplish anything!

i know this is getting long but as i read through proverbs it is crazy how often pride is talked about in relation to destruction and how much God hates it. proverbs 16:5 says "everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord..." not someone who is just egotistical in attitudes but someone who has pride in their heart (something that is not always visible to others)... even simply in their thoughts about themselves. i really do want to be a person of humility. may we all work to make sure that pride has no hold on us AT ALL!!! this week in kentucky was a start... but definitely just the beginning of a long journey in reworking my ideas about myself and God and how He is the only one that accomplishes anything through me. kentucky was a fantastic trip and i am so thankful for a week that challenged, blessed and taught.

"for i will not venture to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me..."
romans 15:18

moving along

2011-07-17T17:15:00.002-05:00

"don't cry because it's over. smile because it happened."
dr. suess

another senior class moves on, we celebrate our 7th anniversary, shawn starts to move into a new position at church after working with youth since college... life goes by and often i feel like i have been left in the dust to catch up! so often, i am sad because things are over, people are gone, moments have moved by... but lately i have been challenged to simply enjoy now and live sacrificially, while still longing for our future home, for our God now...

very often i have the "grass is greener" mentality about time... for instance, "life was so easy as a child" or "i can't wait until we have a house" or "if only i could step back into this (insert awesome day)"... so i've just been pondering all of this... to not live for moments ahead, or wish i was still living in moments behind, but to open my eyes up to the moments that God has placed me in currently. to find joy and fulfillment in the moments He has given me and BLESSED me with right now. often i miss the blessing and the joy simply by being distracted by past moments... and the thing that catches me every time is when i really try to remember those moments i know that often even in those moments i wasn't always so content. i.e. - everyone remembers wanting to just grow up as a child! so as life moves on i want to move with it... but just that, to not miss only the joy and blessing, but the opportunity. to not live caught up in what i think i'm missing, but to live so that i don't miss what God has called me to NOW.

give water... give life...

2011-02-20T22:56:00.002-06:00

We are super excited about being able to have this opportunity at our church... take a look... :)

myWaterProject - Bethel Community Church Fundraising Page

hagar and the "horrible"

2011-01-20T15:38:00.005-06:00

i have been reading the story of Abraham the last few days. the story is familiar, yes, but this time Hagar's story is something that i have paid closer attention to... i think about Hagar and how she must have felt so cheated, so abandoned and definitely alone. we know the story, Abraham uses Hagar to have a son, because Sarah hadn't conceived a child yet. of course like any normal woman would respond, Sarah is quite upset when the plan actually works. Hagar leaves angry Sarah and goes into the wilderness. here God meets her and tells her to name her son Ishmael, meaning God hears. Hagar goes on to tell the Lord "you are a God of seeing". the two are out of the picture for several chapters and then a little later on come back onto the set. once again, Sarah is upset and tells Abraham that she wants them to leave. when God tells Abraham to do as Sarah said, he does and the two leave. while in the wilderness they run out of water, and once again God provides and tells Hagar that He will make Ishmael into a great nation. God was with them and took care of them, even in the midst of unimaginable circumstances.

i think about this story and i think about how God told Abraham to do what Sarah said she wanted... to get rid of Hagar, to send her away with her young son?! this seems crazy and yet i was reminded of awesome truth while i was reading through this today. i think, no, i know, that sometimes in life, it is really hard to figure out why things are happening. as believers, sometimes it is even harder knowing that God is in control of our lives and circumstances and yet these things are still taking place. things that hurt, things that seem like they would be the exact opposite of what a loving God would set us up with.... i think about Hagar and how her situation was really unbelievable. and then i see the provision of God behind it all and i wonder if i were reading my story thousands of years down the road how i would see the provision and hand of God behind it. i know it would be there... even in this story, attributes of God are proclaimed. He is a God who hears and a God who sees. our broken lives and the hurt that is a part of them is seen and heard by Almighty God. so why is it not all changed... and here i think is the golden nugget in all of this... the hope of God is found in these things... His provision is seen and given in these moments... what i mean by all of this is that we find hope not in what happens here but in what God is ultimately doing. to bring about what needed to be accomplished in Hagar's and Ishmael's lives these things had to happen. i am also reminded that my life is bigger than myself. you see for the promise of God to happen, for the covenant to be fulfilled through Abraham and Isaac these things had to happen. this is so key! my life is bigger than me. do i want God's purposes accomplished or not? this is really what it comes down to! do i trust my Savior or am i not quite sure about really being ok with His plans? will i stand and complain about the ways that God is accomplishing his purposes, for my life and possibly even bigger things than that?

i look at this story and i see a plan and a purpose brought about by our God in the midst of hard circumstances. hope is given in knowing that if i were reading my own story, God's hand and purposes would be overwhelming throughout it as well.

carry us home

2010-12-18T18:19:00.003-06:00

so often i want to write something that describes what i am thinking through or how i am feeling in a moment or what my perception of life is at the current moment... and SO often i have serious trouble trying to do so! and then often, i stumble across words written by others that are beautiful and communicate truth clearly... i have been trying hard to not get overwhelmed with christmas "stuff" this year and stay focused on truth, on God's grace in sending His sweet Son, our Savior. i read a part of a chapter yesterday that i want to share here... like i said, so often, others are much better at communicating through the written word than i am... and i love this, so i thought i would share it with my friends...

"can anything separate us from the love Christ has for us? God answered our question before we asked it. so we'd see his answer, he lit the sky with a star. so we'd hear it, he filled the night with a choir; and so we'd believe it, he did what no man had ever dreamed. he became flesh and dwelt among us.

he place his hand on the shoulder of humanity and said, "you're something special."

untethered by time, he sees us all. from the backwoods of virginia to the business district of london; from the vikings to the astronauts, from the cave-dwellers to the kings, from the hut-builders to the finger-pointers to the rock-stackers, he sees us. vagabonds and ragamuffins all, he saw us before we were born.

and he loves what he sees. flooded by emotion. overcome by pride, the Starmaker turns to us, one by one, and says, "you are my child. i love you dearly. i'm aware that someday you'll turn from me and walk away. but i want you to know, i've already provided you a way back."

and to prove it, he did something extraordinary.

stepping from the throne, he removed his robe of light and wrapped himself in skin: pigmented, human skin. the light of the universe entered a dark, wet womb. he who angels worship nestled himself in the placenta of a peasant, was birthed into the cold night, and then slept on cow's hay.

mary didn't know whether to give him milk or give him praise, but she gave him both since he was, as near as she could figure, hungry and holy. joseph didn't know whether to call him junior or Father. but in the end called him Jesus, since that's what the angel said and since he didn't have the faintest idea what to name a God he could cradle in his arms.

...don't you think their heads tilted and their minds wondered, "what in the world are you doing, God?" or better phrased, "God, what are you doing in the world?"

"can anything make me stop loving you?" God asks. "watch me speak your language, sleep on your earth, and feel your hurts. behold the maker of sight and sound as he sneezes, coughs, and blows his nose. you wonder if i understand how you feel? look into the dancing eyes of the kid in nazareth; that's God walking to school. ponder the toddler at mary's table; that's God spilling his milk.

"you wonder how long my love will last? find your answer on a splintered cross, on a craggy hill. that's me you see up there, your maker, your God, nail-stabbed and bleeding. covered in spit and sin-soaked. that's your sin i'm feeling. that's your death i'm dying. that's your resurrection i'm living. that's how much i love you."

-Max Lucado, In the Grip of Grace

i love pondering all of these words. a great songwriter, andrew peterson, writes, "behold the lamb, the hope of man." and that He is. my Hope. my Jesus. and as peterson also writes, and as we anticipate Christ's promise to come back someday again, to meet us once again on this broken ball... "glory to Jesus, ancient and strong, come to your people, and carry us home..."

the hope of man... in your overwhelming grace, carry us home.

all the difference

2010-12-04T15:37:00.010-06:00

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference...

robert frost

the baby's gettin' hitched!

2010-11-09T13:49:00.002-06:00

my little sister (well only by a few years, but hey it is what it is...) is getting married in just a little over a week! i couldn't be more excited! (the wedding location, florida, only increases the excitement!) just wanted to put this out there so you all can be praying for her, jack (the lucky guy), and all of our family... that it will be a week and a wedding that is fun, enjoyable, and one that brings glory to our God! shawn and i are out of here in just a few days, just missing the cold that is imminent here in chicago... sweet... like i said, couldn't be more excited. :)

wandering and pondering

2010-11-09T13:31:00.002-06:00

i absolutely love this season... i don't know if it's new colors or being cozy inside or the anticipation of fun holidays... i do know that i love the promises that this season faithfully brings to mind, year after year, season after season... our God is faithful to work. i was thinking the other day about why i ever wonder how or when or even IF God will continue to work. i love this season because it really calls me to ponder, just to sit and think. i look back at every season of life and even if in that moment i did not see God bringing about His purposes, i can look back now and see in tremendous ways how He did so. sometimes it is obvious. sometimes life is so painful that you really can't doubt that God must be doing something! sometimes life is so full of happiness and blessing that you also cannot doubt that God is involved as well... sometimes life is quiet and i wonder what He is doing. though i know i would never grasp it, i wish i could look into the mind of our God and see His pathways that He plans for our lives. and then, i write that, and i know that i would probably not want to always see what is ahead. but i do find so much hope in knowing that God is working.

i find hope and happiness in knowing that whatever crook or cranny i find myself in tomorrow or the next day, God is in each, and working completely and bringing about a life for His followers that is WHOLE. i find so much love and grace in knowing that in everything, EVERYTHING, (excluding nothing!) God is making me and my life what He wants it to be... and what He wants it to be is nothing short of the fullness of His grace... which i know i feel as if i have tasted in such big ways and yet i know there will be feasts of this grace still to come. so i guess in all this wandering and pondering, in change and in stability, i praise our God that He remains. His grace remains... and as a result, His work remains.

i found it...

2010-06-23T11:21:00.003-05:00

ever since i moved to chicago i've been searching for a place, beautiful and at least somewhat untouched compared to most of the city... i think my alaska roots are always trying to break through to find some spot where i can find some bit of solace from the hustle and bustle. i love chicago... i really have come to enjoy it and every day it feels a little bit more like home. this past sunday shawn and i were biking around the downtown area... we had come back to our car to head back home but decided to check out northerly island... i never knew what was waiting for us! at the end of the strip of land there is a beautiful wildlife sanctuary that you can bike through and i absolutely fell in love with this spot. :) from a distance the city is quiet and peaceful and a background to the beautiful landscape of wildflowers. on the other side is the lake... deep and blue. i do praise God for the world He has created for us. it is not often that i find these nature ah ha moments in chicago, but i was blessed by this beautiful spot and God's intimate knowledge of my heart...

thanks for praying!

2010-04-17T14:00:00.003-05:00

i know a lot of you have been or were praying for my sister while she was in haiti. i just wanted to say thanks and give you a quick update... she's home! the experiences that she had in haiti definitely have already changed her life and perspectives and i wanted to share an article with you that she wrote after returning. thanks so much for caring for steph in this way and for loving me as well. caring and loving each other is SO what this life should be all about and i am blessed to be surrounded by people here in chicago and around the world that care about my life and the lives of those who are important to me. THANK YOU! :)

here's her article...

Operation Unified Response: Practicing Physical Therapy in Primitive Conditions

Haiti 2010

“So, are your bags packed?” These were not the words I was expecting to hear in the midst of seeing patients on the morning of January 13th at Womack Army Medical Facility on Fort Bragg. I received news that the GRF, Global Response Force, was being activated due to the earthquake which had devastated Haiti just the day before. Within hours I was preparing and four days later deployed with the 2nd Brigade Combat Team of the 82nd Airborne Division. Assigned to serve as their physical therapist in Port-au-Prince, the physical therapy team was completed with the addition of SGT Valerie Ramirez, physical therapy technician from Fort Drum, NY. Upon arrival we quickly discovered the primitive conditions and I was suddenly grateful for past camping and field training experiences. No shelters, showers, work space, equipment, nor computers or phones were available. Language barriers added to the significant challenges we encountered each day. Our daily patient load consisted of outpatient orthopedic injuries of Army, Air force, Navy, and foreign military Soldiers along with local nationals. All military were treated at our “tent clinic” located near the main airfield in Port-au-Prince. Diagnoses for these military personnel were representative of our environment and mission, mostly lower extremity sprains and neck and back pain. Our equipment was rudimentary: braces, crutches, theraband, splint materials, and lots of athletic tape. Thankfully for manual therapy all you need is your hands! Things we needed but didn’t have we created, if possible (ice wasn’t available anywhere!). Our PT mat table was fashioned from a folding table and an air force sleeping mat, and served its purpose. Every week we treated approximately 30 military patients at our tent.

Due to the city’s immense need for rehabilitative care, we were both challenged and surprisingly blessed to make several trips into city hospitals. Our experiences at University (General) Hospital were eye-opening; the devastating effects of the earthquake on the hospital grounds were unavoidable. The nursing education building had collapsed and all patient pre- and post-operative care was transferred from the remaining hard standing buildings to the temporary tents thrown up on the grounds. Filling the tents were row upon row of patients lying on hospital beds, cots and all available surfaces. It was overwhelming to see such a great need, but lingering wasn’t going to help anyone and doctors were sporadically present, at best. So we dove in. The majority of those we treated had crush injuries, externally fixed broken bones, or amputated limbs although we also provided care for patients with gunshot wounds, burns and even a patient who had had a breast mastectomy. Patient charts, when present, consisted of a piecemeal collection of papers with scribbled words in English, Creole, or French at the foot of the bed or cot. Pain medication for patients was sparse and in spite of this they performed transfers, exercises, and ambulation with nothing except ibuprofen. “Beki,” crutches in Creole, became a very popular item and brought constant smiles to the Haitian faces, no matter the age. I believe bekis were just one of the little ways we helped Haitians to get back on their feet and to continue on with life.

Amidst immense suffering that Haitian determination to live another day with a smile was tangible and contagious. Daily I walked away from the hospital amazed and humbled by their strength and hopeful spirits. We have since packed our bags and returned home to our redeployment briefings. As I continue to process all I encountered these last three months, I am realizing this experience will truly have a lifelong impact. Practicing physical therapy in Haiti was an amazing opportunity in learning how to overcome challenges. A few of lessons learned I’ll share with you,

A smile goes a thousand miles, especially when you don’t have a translator.

On a humanitarian aid mission you can never have enough crutches and post-op shoes.

Alternating treatment days of local nationals and Soldiers helps prevent burnout and fatigue.

Books and hard copies are priceless when computer, internet, and your peers aren’t accessible. What book or two would you grab in a moment’s notice?

Make every patient session count. You may only have one opportunity at treatment.

Make friends with everyone, especially the Air Force.

All of this being said, in the end I am so grateful to have been a part of Operation Unified Response.

1LT Stephanie Pauls, PT

2BCT, 82nd ABN DIV

what to do while we long...

2010-03-02T15:59:00.003-06:00

my mom shared with me an e-mail from a friend who is dying of cancer. this e-mail was sent out as a "last e-mail" to friends and family and i wanted to share just a small paragraph from the message. as this woman, who is just a few years older than me, considers life from the perspective of limited days, this is what she wrote:

I have learned so much through this process. Do your best to enjoy your loved ones; God created us for relationship with Him and our loved ones, so cut the drama, love fiercely, practice forgiveness, and treat ALL other people kindly and with honesty.

i don't know what it is when you hear words from someone who doesn't have many days left, but you sure are convinced that this is something you really need to listen to and take heed of. shawn has always encouraged me to think about "numbering my days", taking advantage of every day here on earth because they are few and short.

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12

"Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life." Psalm 39:4

as someone who so easily gets caught up in "drama" as she referred, these compelling words have made me begin to evaluate what i consume my life with... and as i think about them, i realize that doing these things, numbering my days and living out of love for my God and every person He created, i MUST be unselfish with every day. i've been thinking about how cutting drama out of life requires not thinking about myself and how others actions might be wrong towards me, but i have to live out of love for God and that person in each and every situation. the days here on earth are short and we must take advantage of each one. for the last month since i have not been working i have been thinking a lot about how i want to spend my time and how i should spend my time. i do not want to waste it. this last month has been a fantastic reminder of how i should think about each day that God has given me here. do i use the days that i have to love others or to make myself happy and comfortable? are my days about what i want or are they about what others need?

sometimes when life is hard i am moved to long for our final home in heaven. as much as i want this longing to characterize my life, i do not want to be so caught up in wanting that home that i do not take advantage of the time i have at this home. may our longing for home motivate us to remember our time here is short and each day must be used to love God and to seek to love those who are in great need of His love.

After the last tear falls...

2010-02-06T18:34:00.002-06:00

i feel like i keep posting things that aren't my own, but at the same time i'm posting them because i so much appreciate the wisdom and insight of others that know the Lord and trust Him. Andrew Peterson is a guy that shawn and i both love! :) he's a great artist and songwriter but even more so such a great storyteller. and what i love is that he tells stories that are about life and about our life in Jesus. this is one song that i love so much. this world is broken and torn up by sin and the effects of it. this song makes me long for home. i love the thought of looking back at the tears that have fallen here on earth as old tales. i long for days with Jesus where tears are something of the past.

After the last tear falls
After the last secret's told
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone
After the last child starves
And the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that's just too hard

After the last disgrace
After the last lie to save some face
After the last brutal jab from a poison tongue
After the last dirty politician
After the last meal down at the mission
After the last lonely night in prison

There is love
Love, love, love
There is love
Love, love, love
There is love

And in the end, the end is
Oceans and oceans
Of love and love again
We'll see how the tears that have fallen
Were caught in the palms
Of the Giver of love and the Lover of all
And we'll look back on these tears as old tales

'Cause after the last plan fails
After the last siren wails
After the last young husband sails off to join the war
After the last "this marriage is over"
After the last young girl's innocence is stolen
After the last years of silence that won't let a heart open

There is love
Love, love, love
There is love
'Cause after the last tear falls
There is love

what do i want?

2010-01-29T18:41:00.003-06:00

i just started reading "searching for God knows what" by donald miller. in the first chapter he discusses i guess you would say sometimes our obsession with books, even Christian books, self help books you could call them, that talk about "formulas" or ways that we can bring about the life that we desire to live in God... what we can do and how this is accomplished... he talks about life with God as something that is not a formula but instead relational. often i feel that i do such a poor job at communicating what i want to so i am just going to quote what he wrote... i felt like it was good and wanted to share it with you. do i desire the things that God can (or that i want him to) bring about in my life or do i desire God?

"To be honest, though, I don't know how much I like the idea of my spirituality being relational. I suppose I believe this is true, but the formulas seem much better than God because the formulas offer control; and God, well, He is like a person, and people, as we all know, are complicated. The trouble with people is they do not always do what you tell them to do. Try it with your kids or your spouse or strangers at the grocery store, and you will see what I mean. The formulas propose that is you do this and this and this, God will respond. When I was a kid I wanted a dolphin for the same reason.

"I remember watching that television show I dream of Jeannie when I was young, and I wondered at how great it would be to have a Jeannie of my own, who could blink a grilled-cheese sandwich out of thin air, all the while cleaning my room and doing my homework. I realize, of course, that is very silly and there is no such thing as a genie that lives in a lamp, but it makes me wonder if what we really want from the formulas are the wishes, not God. It makes me wonder if what we really want is control, not a relationship.

"Some would say formulas are how we interact with God, that going through motions and jumping through hoops are how a person acts out his spirituality. This method of interaction, however, seems odd to me, because if I want to hang out with my friend Tuck, I don't stomp my food three times, turn around, and say his name over and over like a mantra, lighting candles and getting myself in a certain mood. I just call him. In this way, formulas presuppose God is more a computer or a circus monkey than and intelligent Being. I realize that sounds harsh, but it is true."

the other part about this section of the book that i love is when he talks about whether or not what we really want is control or God. i know so often i want control. i want to know how to fix relationships, not feel left down when blank happens, and find joy and happiness in all that i do. books that provide answers for these always leave me wondering if there is more... and it might be encouraging for the moment and there are some great books out there that don't just offer formulas but instead truth of pursuing God... but i do want to desire Jesus. i don't want to desire a life free from difficulty and a life that i can fix if i just do this and this... and i know that doesn't even work... i feel like we've all tried it and so often we are left empty. i want to desire the person of Jesus, i want to desire God my Savior, more than what he can do for me and bring about in my life but instead him, as an individual that wants to know me too... and that in itself is a reason to work on this.

prayer

2010-01-26T18:38:00.003-06:00

i should pray specifically more often... well really i should pray specifically all the time! shawn and i have been praying a lot for my sister lately, for so many different things since she arrived in haiti and even before she left. we prayed that sometime soon she would get a tent. we prayed that someday she would get a shower (she told us about the humid heat and the helicopters that are constantly stirring up dust). we prayed that she would somehow get a cot to make sleeping a little easier. we prayed for these things to make life a little more comfortable and to make the days a little more tolerable... we prayed for even more things... for friends and good relationships with people there (there weren't very many people she knew going into haiti)... that there would be not only friendships but relationships with people who love the Lord as much as she does... for fellowship, study of God's Word, and moments to take time with the Lord...

last night we got a quick email that steph was able to send to us... i have to tell you that all of these things God has provided for her! so many of these things happened in just the last day or two... God is so good. He is good always in any circumstance, but at the same time He is so good because He answered all of these things specifically to how we prayed for them! someone down there even has a guitar that they are going to be able to use for some worship times... i really do know that God is concerned about our lives. i'm super excited for my sister and the ways that God is working to make life in haiti just a little bit more comfortable.

i've been thinking about prayer a lot after i got that email. i was kinda evaluating, wondering how often i pray for specific things... like very specific things and how often i look to see how God is working in these situations. prayer is so mind-boggling to me... i don't always get how it works or sometimes i know we all wonder if God is in such control why is it always needed... i know that it is and i know that God desires and tells us to pray. but it still is confusing sometimes, right? so i was thinking about how much prayer affects me and how it affects my life when i am committed to praying fervently for something or someone. when i pray specifically, my heart is hoping and looking to see how God will work in the situation. and when he does i see how God is actively involved in big and little events in my life and others lives. God shows himself to me through prayer and i don't want to keep on missing out. i want to pray in a way that i anticipate and look for the activity of God.

on my mind...

2010-01-21T21:03:00.003-06:00

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Come, behold the works of the LORD, how he has brought desolations on the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire. Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."

James 1:27

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction and to keep oneself unstained from the world."

Revelation 21

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.' He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

pray for steph!

2010-01-20T20:54:00.002-06:00

i thought i would post a fun family picture as a reminder for us all to pray for my sister while she is in haiti. she is serving there with the 82nd airborne. stephanie trusts Jesus and i know that she knows that she is in His hands while she is there...

(as a side note, isn't our snowman fantastic!?! i think it's the best one i've ever helped make... my dad even added the christmas lights! so fun!)

my "Home"

2010-01-20T20:29:00.004-06:00

when i started this blog and came up with a title for it, shawn was confused and wondered if i was talking about missing alaska and that was what the blog was going to be about and so forth... as much as i do miss my home state, i laughed with him and said no, of course not... we went on to talk about longing for our future "home" in heaven and how we have a desire to long for it even more as we continue on this journey in our present home...

i have to say, my husband wasn't too far off from thinking that i missed alaska enough to name a blog after my affections for it... :) i do miss it, a lot... there are things that i miss that everyone misses from where they started off life. i miss friends and family friends, church and the feeling like you are just at home... i miss the state too and the beauty there...

we went up to alaska this recently past christmas and spent two weeks with my parents, sister, and friends. it really was a great time... i have to admit though that as much as i love home... home starts to feel less like it was when it was "home home". not so much with family, but i noticed it in relationships or how i didn't always know where things were or how people were doing... there are new people (gasp! :) and new places and changes all over that you never notice if you just live there. life keeps on going and i think i just expect it to stand still till i come back.

sometimes when i am in chicago i wonder where in the world am i!?! i drive down roads all the time that i have never driven on before... the city is so big and there are so many things to experience that sometimes i feel like i'm on vacation checking out a new place! i love this but at the same time sometimes i get this feeling like i don't even know this city that i live in... now there are lots of areas i love and appreciate but there are just times where chicago doesn't feel like home either...

i went to alaska expecting to have this "home" feeling and it just wasn't there... i came back to chicago and couldn't quite find it here either... i got to thinking if there could be anywhere that really feels like home... a place where peace is found... a place that fits... i found myself longing for home, my real home, my future home, the home that i am on the road to... and at the same time in my desire to just feel that "homey home" feeling i found myself knowing that as much as life changes back home in alaska or at home in chicago, there is a Constant in all of it.

when i came to chicago i held onto verses in psalm 139 that tell me that i cannot go anywhere to get away from God. if i sailed across the seas He would hold me up just as much as if i stayed put. i find so much peace in this... i think in this and in Him i find "home"... and i desire for a perfect home in the future where that feeling of being home is completely fulfilled and completely satisfying...

do you ever just feel like you don't quite fit in? sometimes i do. sometimes i wonder where i am and what i am doing and who am i doing this with... and i know that though all these answers aren't always clear i do know that God goes before me and with me. He is constant. i love that. constant. always the same, never different, no matter where i am or where i go... though places and people and relationships change... though places and people and relationships are tainted by the stain of sin... though places and people and relationships never quite fulfill... the constancy of my Savior takes over and overwhelms.

desperate longings

2010-01-14T19:05:00.004-06:00

i don't get it. i don't understand why things like the earthquake in haiti happen... i hate it. i hate that our world is devastated and tortured. these kind of days make me long for home even more and more. i was talking to God and thinking about these things last night... praising God that events like these make me want Him to return even more and redeem this world... but at the same time so sad that things like this even have to happen... or even being disappointed in myself for "needing" things like this to make me want God more... wanting to know what "the plan" is and yet knowing as we all want to know what is going on God is the one who directs our steps and the things that happen in our lives every day.

yesterday my sister called and said that her army unit was going to be sent to haiti sometime in the next few days... that made all the news a little bit more personal... knowing that she will be where all this destruction has taken place. i think about the things that are happening there and though it's kinda crazy and sad to have steph go not knowing when she'll be back and all... i think it is just exactly what God calls us to do as His people. the opportunity is crazy and unreal and all of a sudden, but when have we ever been asked to just sit around and respond when we feel like it. i am so proud of her and the people that are already there working to help people that are unable to do anything to help themselves. my heart is hurting for the people there and i just wish so much that we didn't live in a place where earthquakes devastate people who had nothing to begin with in the first place.

i feel my heart longing for Jesus. longing for Him to come back and make things perfect. longing for Him to once and for all take care of the effects that sin has had on us and this world.

"...creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. for the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. we know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. FOR IN THIS HOPE WE ARE SAVED." Romans 8:19-24

october 8, 2000

2009-10-08T21:38:00.002-05:00

no, not the wrong date... :)

9 years ago today shawn and i embarked on this dating adventure... and an adventure that we are still on! i love my husband and i am so glad that 9 years ago today we took this little walk on fall retreat (yes, on a retreat with a bunch of HS students... i think it was a sign... :) and talked about dating and how we were interested in each other and all that good stuff! i love it! i love the road that God has taken us down and i look forward with excitement, knowing that God has given me shawn to walk with! i think about how my life used to not have shawn in it and how foreign that thought is to me now... he is so great, ya know... he just fits me and i love that. it's like God knew (well, i know He did) but sometimes i just have moments where i am like "GOD! you SO know me by giving me this guy!" it's crazy to me in those moments and at the same time i praise God for a husband that fits me in the fun times and in times that aren't so fun or are hard or even when we aren't too happy with each other. i really am so thankful for each and every moment, good and bad... i have never learned so much as i have on this journey and what is even better is that it is not over. i love this adventure with shawn and even more i love this road that God has taken me down in life, blessing me with a husband who seeks after Him more than anything else. i love that in our vows shawn and i both promised to not only love each other but to minister with each other... and i would even add to that now, to minister to each other! i know life isn't perfect and relationships and marriages aren't perfect either... it all hasn't been, but like i said before i wouldn't take a moment back. i know that God has used this marriage to teach me about relationships and myself and how i need to work on those kind of things, but even more i praise God for teaching me about Himself... about His unconditional love and grace... so great right, that God uses people to teach us more about Him... we are made in His image right? so i guess that makes a little sense... God guide us! i know you have for the last 9 years and i know you will into the future!

my soul wells up...

2009-09-22T19:23:00.005-05:00

shawn and i were able to go to puerto vallarta for a week at the beginning of this month and we had such a great vacation. we stayed at a great resort and were able to relax and simply spend time together in a beautiful place. one of my favorite things to do was to take walks in the evenings. each night produced a beautiful and new sunset. it really was so great. we had six different nights that we spent there and each of these pictures show you a little bit of what we got to see each night. the last night we were in mexico we went on one last walk and the sunset was gorgeous. i wasn't surprised because really every night had been more beautiful than the last. but it was just oh so beautiful. i really miss sunsets. when i titled my blog "longing for home" shawn was afraid that i was naming it that because i miss alaska so much and so often... oh silly shawn, but he does know me and he knows that i do miss home and the beautiful state of alaska. i know it doesn't need to be said but alaska has great sunsets. i mean think about the mountains and the ocean and oh it's really so great. needless to say i miss this. i miss talking to God about life while i watch the sunset. i miss knowing that He has blessed me and shown me His love in the things He has created for me to enjoy. i miss experiencing Him in these ways. it has been great and hard being in chicago in connection to this for me. i have been forced to meet with God and forced to look for Him in new and fresh ways. it has been hard because i do find joy in such moments and i don't find them as much here as i did back in alaska. but one thing i do know is that God knows me and He knows what i love and enjoy about Him. we were walking that last night and i was thinking about such things and knowing that God has made this for us to enjoy and knowing that God loves me so specifically and knows that i love nights like the ones we had in mexico! chris rice has this song called "hallelujahs" and i thought of it on our last night in mexico and kinda just hummed it as i walked through the waves... i won't type it all out here but he sings about the creation of God and in seeing it and knowing how we ourselves are a beautiful creation... that as he sees and finds truth in these things that his soul "wells up with hallelujahs." i love that. don't you ever just have a moment where you find yourself swallowing down that lump and little tears sneak out of the corners of your eyes... and it's not cause there's anything wrong but it is because you have experienced God in such a way that you know it is about you and that His love for you is deep and intimate... it is moments like these that i try to describe and i really do fall short of adequate words. i wish i had them. i want my soul to "well up" even more often... look for Him, i know i need to... because He doesn't save His love for just one week out of the year in mexico or a fantastic time of worship one night every couple of months... i know He loves me everyday and i know that He, of all people, is communicating this to me often and frequently. why do i miss it? i praise God for the moments that i see Him and my soul wells up inside of me and i pray for eyes that are open and looking for Him in every little moment.

mosquito bites

2009-08-18T19:39:00.003-05:00

i don't know what it is but mosquitoes love me... i must have good blood... ha ha... who knows. but, as long as i can remember i have always been eaten up by those buzzing little bugs. this weekend we went camping with the swalves over at illinois state beach. i was so excited going into the weekend because i had not been camping in a long time and i really miss having that be a part of every summer. when i grew up we went camping at least once, if not twice, during the summer. some of my best memories are from those week long camping trips that we took with friends that were like family. so... needless to say i was excited. we had a great time... shawn and i biked a lot by the lake and it was oh so beautiful... the four of us made some fantastic food, individually and collectively... we loved coming up with great new food inventions over the camp fire... and it was just plain old good time with friends. that is something i really love about camping - everyone just kinda hangs out and good conversations are always had. so of course, it was a great weekend, only to be dampered by the amount of mosquito bites i received. i don't know why i wasn't expecting it, but they came and they came full force this time... the other thing is that i think i might have some kind of allergic reaction cause the bites get HUGE and i mean HUGE. and oh man, so itchy. like SO itchy. :) so one night i'm lying awake in our tent not sleeping because my whole body is covered with massive burning bites. i'm laying there getting frustrated and complaining in my head about how annoying this is and why can't i just go camping and not get bit and on and on and on... so silly, yes i know, but i do love my sleep and i was quite uncomfortable (they still are, i'm icing them right now... for real, it's crazy!:). then something stopped my rambling, complaining mind for a bit and made me look at how silly i was being... then i got to thinking that i am not deserving of camping without bites... really i'm not deserving of a great weekend with friends... God has nothing to owe me... not comfort... not a weekend away... not beautiful creation to ride through on my bike... not good friends... not a committed and loving husband... i had this reality check in my stupid complaining mood and it made me think about this concept outside of just the situation that i was in. GOD OWES ME NOTHING. when i am given anything that i enjoy it is a gift from Him. going back to the camping aspect of it all, i love our tent. i know it's kinda silly, but i really do. it's cute and the perfect size and i love that it is blue and green! i had this thought on my mosquito bite night that even our tent is a gift from God. we got this great deal on it right before we got married and i know that God knows me and the things that i enjoy and that i LOVE CAMPING... and so we found this tent. i want to be aware of the small things that God gifts my life with... like i said i really believe that anything that is enjoyable, anything that brings happiness, comfort, really any adjective that is positive falls into this... all these are from my God who loves me and knows me personally. and the kicker is that i am not deserving of any of it... i have no right to anything good or the absence of anything bad.

shawn was talking to me today about how he wants to be more aware of Jesus, to love Him more and to appreciate what He has done for us. i think that this is a huge way how Jesus comes and affects our daily and everyday lives. without Jesus we would not be given these things in our lives that we enjoy, right... i mean, these are given out of the grace of God and His love for us... this grace is given to us because Jesus took what we should have had... i want to think about Jesus everytime something big or little affects my life in a positive way... and i want to think about Jesus when i am frustrated and feel like i am deserving of more... i have no right to go there. and i think "going there" cheapens what Jesus has done... maybe cheapens is not even a strong enough word... it really throws His sacrifice to the side... like He did this, but i still should be comfortable or i shouldn't have to deal with this... i dunno... it just seems like i am not fully appreciating Him, or having any appreciation at all, in those moments. I don't want to be that person.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17

EVERY GOOD GIFT... i think every is pretty all inclusive right? i want to rejoice every day in my Savior who loves me, who died for me, and who knows me so well to gift my life with things that bring me joy.

my blessings in picture...

2009-08-10T21:25:00.004-05:00

shawn and me... he is definitely a blessing and so was this mountain that we got to hike up in aguascalientes... i LOVED being able to go hiking and spend some time up above...

i really did love this mexico group... i miss them so much now that we are back home!!

blessed

2009-08-10T20:28:00.003-05:00

i am so blessed. i know that sounds generic and cliche but let me explain... last night we spent time at encounter sharing how God had worked in our lives during our time in mexico. the reason i feel blessed is because i love hearing how God has changed lives, especially the lives of the high school kids that we work with at church. shawn put so much hard work into the trip and i know that God put even more into it... knowing that all this work was poured into the trip and then seeing how lives were changed, it was so good. ahhh... blessed, i think that is a good word to use.

God changes my life so many times through people and the things they tell me about how the Lord is working in their lives. i seriously love it. that is something i miss so much about being at Moody... i felt like the group i spent time with was very intentional about this and i know that we all grew because of it. i really do think this is part of the reason, or a huge part of the reason God gave us each other. tell me about how God changes you! it shows me how God can change and mold me as well. tell everyone else too! why do we not say those things when we think about them? i know there are so many times i keep my mouth shut and don't share with others about the great God in my life and how He personally works to make me more like His Son.

i really do love the church. i love the community that it bring and i love that people step up and care for each other in a way that is like family. i feel like our church, bethel, has definitely been going through a season where this is very evident. i am once again... BLESSED... to be a part of this family.

oh why not...

2009-08-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

i have finally decided to join the blogging community... honestly (this will tell you how indecisive i really am) it took me a while to decide whether or not this was something i really wanted to do. i should have never signed up for the aguascalientes trip blogging cause i think that threw me over the edge. one thing i do know is that i don't want this blog to just be about me. i've always known that God has given us each other for a reason and much of that is to encourage and nudge each other on towards living a life that is a pleasing sacrifice to Him. i want this blog to be about this... i have so many friends around the states, and even the world, that i want to keep up with and give little highlights of life... i want this blog to be about that too...

so here i go on a new journey i guess you could say. i hope that in this we are able to encourage each other to look more like Jesus. i don't want this blog to be something that draws attention to anything shawn and i are doing or thinking... i just want it to be a little log of sorts where we can communicate what God is teaching us and guiding us through at that point in time. i chose the title "longing for home" because i do long for our eternal home but i want to long for it even more. i want the things i do in my life to be done out of a desire that is eternal not just temporal.

in high school i became this rich mullins "fan"... well i absolutely love one of his cd's and i only own one so i don't know if this classifies me as a fan but whatever... there is a song i love and it talks about longing for home. i was washing the dishes the other day and when i do this completely boring chore, i love to think. often i think about how i wish i was like brother lawrence who wrote "practicing the presence of God" and how he used his time washing dishes to dwell on the things of God and how all that he does, even dish washing, can be worship to our Savior. so this song comes on and i remember when phil died and how much i hated this earth and the horrible stuff that came along with sin entering in... i longed so deeply to be out of here and with Jesus where death is no longer an option. i hated that life wasn't intended to be like this. as time goes on i find myself thinking about this less and less. oh yeah, so washing dishes this song comes on and i love the line that reminds me that i must long for home...

"there's more that rises in the morning than the sun
more that shines in the night than just the moon
there's more than just this fire here that keeps me warm
in a shelter that is larger than this room
there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
a music higher than the songs that i can sing
the stuff of earth competes for the allegiance
i owe only to the Giver of all good things

so if i stand let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through
and if i can't let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you
if i sing let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs
but if i weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home"

i want to live here on earth with intentionality and purpose but i never want this to get in the way of longing for home...