the baby's gettin' hitched!

my little sister (well only by a few years, but hey it is what it is...) is getting married in just a little over a week! i couldn't be more excited! (the wedding location, florida, only increases the excitement!) just wanted to put this out there so you all can be praying for her, jack (the lucky guy), and all of our family... that it will be a week and a wedding that is fun, enjoyable, and one that brings glory to our God! shawn and i are out of here in just a few days, just missing the cold that is imminent here in chicago... sweet... like i said, couldn't be more excited. :)

wandering and pondering

i absolutely love this season... i don't know if it's new colors or being cozy inside or the anticipation of fun holidays... i do know that i love the promises that this season faithfully brings to mind, year after year, season after season... our God is faithful to work. i was thinking the other day about why i ever wonder how or when or even IF God will continue to work. i love this season because it really calls me to ponder, just to sit and think. i look back at every season of life and even if in that moment i did not see God bringing about His purposes, i can look back now and see in tremendous ways how He did so. sometimes it is obvious. sometimes life is so painful that you really can't doubt that God must be doing something! sometimes life is so full of happiness and blessing that you also cannot doubt that God is involved as well... sometimes life is quiet and i wonder what He is doing. though i know i would never grasp it, i wish i could look into the mind of our God and see His pathways that He plans for our lives. and then, i write that, and i know that i would probably not want to always see what is ahead. but i do find so much hope in knowing that God is working.

i find hope and happiness in knowing that whatever crook or cranny i find myself in tomorrow or the next day, God is in each, and working completely and bringing about a life for His followers that is WHOLE. i find so much love and grace in knowing that in everything, EVERYTHING, (excluding nothing!) God is making me and my life what He wants it to be... and what He wants it to be is nothing short of the fullness of His grace... which i know i feel as if i have tasted in such big ways and yet i know there will be feasts of this grace still to come. so i guess in all this wandering and pondering, in change and in stability, i praise our God that He remains. His grace remains... and as a result, His work remains.

i found it...

ever since i moved to chicago i've been searching for a place, beautiful and at least somewhat untouched compared to most of the city... i think my alaska roots are always trying to break through to find some spot where i can find some bit of solace from the hustle and bustle. i love chicago... i really have come to enjoy it and every day it feels a little bit more like home. this past sunday shawn and i were biking around the downtown area... we had come back to our car to head back home but decided to check out northerly island... i never knew what was waiting for us! at the end of the strip of land there is a beautiful wildlife sanctuary that you can bike through and i absolutely fell in love with this spot. :) from a distance the city is quiet and peaceful and a background to the beautiful landscape of wildflowers. on the other side is the lake... deep and blue. i do praise God for the world He has created for us. it is not often that i find these nature ah ha moments in chicago, but i was blessed by this beautiful spot and God's intimate knowledge of my heart...

thanks for praying!

i know a lot of you have been or were praying for my sister while she was in haiti. i just wanted to say thanks and give you a quick update... she's home! the experiences that she had in haiti definitely have already changed her life and perspectives and i wanted to share an article with you that she wrote after returning. thanks so much for caring for steph in this way and for loving me as well. caring and loving each other is SO what this life should be all about and i am blessed to be surrounded by people here in chicago and around the world that care about my life and the lives of those who are important to me. THANK YOU! :)

here's her article...

Operation Unified Response: Practicing Physical Therapy in Primitive Conditions

Haiti 2010

“So, are your bags packed?” These were not the words I was expecting to hear in the midst of seeing patients on the morning of January 13th at Womack Army Medical Facility on Fort Bragg. I received news that the GRF, Global Response Force, was being activated due to the earthquake which had devastated Haiti just the day before. Within hours I was preparing and four days later deployed with the 2nd Brigade Combat Team of the 82nd Airborne Division. Assigned to serve as their physical therapist in Port-au-Prince, the physical therapy team was completed with the addition of SGT Valerie Ramirez, physical therapy technician from Fort Drum, NY. Upon arrival we quickly discovered the primitive conditions and I was suddenly grateful for past camping and field training experiences. No shelters, showers, work space, equipment, nor computers or phones were available. Language barriers added to the significant challenges we encountered each day. Our daily patient load consisted of outpatient orthopedic injuries of Army, Air force, Navy, and foreign military Soldiers along with local nationals. All military were treated at our “tent clinic” located near the main airfield in Port-au-Prince. Diagnoses for these military personnel were representative of our environment and mission, mostly lower extremity sprains and neck and back pain. Our equipment was rudimentary: braces, crutches, theraband, splint materials, and lots of athletic tape. Thankfully for manual therapy all you need is your hands! Things we needed but didn’t have we created, if possible (ice wasn’t available anywhere!). Our PT mat table was fashioned from a folding table and an air force sleeping mat, and served its purpose. Every week we treated approximately 30 military patients at our tent.

Due to the city’s immense need for rehabilitative care, we were both challenged and surprisingly blessed to make several trips into city hospitals. Our experiences at University (General) Hospital were eye-opening; the devastating effects of the earthquake on the hospital grounds were unavoidable. The nursing education building had collapsed and all patient pre- and post-operative care was transferred from the remaining hard standing buildings to the temporary tents thrown up on the grounds. Filling the tents were row upon row of patients lying on hospital beds, cots and all available surfaces. It was overwhelming to see such a great need, but lingering wasn’t going to help anyone and doctors were sporadically present, at best. So we dove in. The majority of those we treated had crush injuries, externally fixed broken bones, or amputated limbs although we also provided care for patients with gunshot wounds, burns and even a patient who had had a breast mastectomy. Patient charts, when present, consisted of a piecemeal collection of papers with scribbled words in English, Creole, or French at the foot of the bed or cot. Pain medication for patients was sparse and in spite of this they performed transfers, exercises, and ambulation with nothing except ibuprofen. “Beki,” crutches in Creole, became a very popular item and brought constant smiles to the Haitian faces, no matter the age. I believe bekis were just one of the little ways we helped Haitians to get back on their feet and to continue on with life.

Amidst immense suffering that Haitian determination to live another day with a smile was tangible and contagious. Daily I walked away from the hospital amazed and humbled by their strength and hopeful spirits. We have since packed our bags and returned home to our redeployment briefings. As I continue to process all I encountered these last three months, I am realizing this experience will truly have a lifelong impact. Practicing physical therapy in Haiti was an amazing opportunity in learning how to overcome challenges. A few of lessons learned I’ll share with you,

A smile goes a thousand miles, especially when you don’t have a translator.

On a humanitarian aid mission you can never have enough crutches and post-op shoes.

Alternating treatment days of local nationals and Soldiers helps prevent burnout and fatigue.

Books and hard copies are priceless when computer, internet, and your peers aren’t accessible. What book or two would you grab in a moment’s notice?

Make every patient session count. You may only have one opportunity at treatment.

Make friends with everyone, especially the Air Force.

All of this being said, in the end I am so grateful to have been a part of Operation Unified Response.

1LT Stephanie Pauls, PT

2BCT, 82nd ABN DIV

what to do while we long...

my mom shared with me an e-mail from a friend who is dying of cancer. this e-mail was sent out as a "last e-mail" to friends and family and i wanted to share just a small paragraph from the message. as this woman, who is just a few years older than me, considers life from the perspective of limited days, this is what she wrote:

I have learned so much through this process. Do your best to enjoy your loved ones; God created us for relationship with Him and our loved ones, so cut the drama, love fiercely, practice forgiveness, and treat ALL other people kindly and with honesty.

i don't know what it is when you hear words from someone who doesn't have many days left, but you sure are convinced that this is something you really need to listen to and take heed of. shawn has always encouraged me to think about "numbering my days", taking advantage of every day here on earth because they are few and short.

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12

"Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life." Psalm 39:4

as someone who so easily gets caught up in "drama" as she referred, these compelling words have made me begin to evaluate what i consume my life with... and as i think about them, i realize that doing these things, numbering my days and living out of love for my God and every person He created, i MUST be unselfish with every day. i've been thinking about how cutting drama out of life requires not thinking about myself and how others actions might be wrong towards me, but i have to live out of love for God and that person in each and every situation. the days here on earth are short and we must take advantage of each one. for the last month since i have not been working i have been thinking a lot about how i want to spend my time and how i should spend my time. i do not want to waste it. this last month has been a fantastic reminder of how i should think about each day that God has given me here. do i use the days that i have to love others or to make myself happy and comfortable? are my days about what i want or are they about what others need?

sometimes when life is hard i am moved to long for our final home in heaven. as much as i want this longing to characterize my life, i do not want to be so caught up in wanting that home that i do not take advantage of the time i have at this home. may our longing for home motivate us to remember our time here is short and each day must be used to love God and to seek to love those who are in great need of His love.

After the last tear falls...

i feel like i keep posting things that aren't my own, but at the same time i'm posting them because i so much appreciate the wisdom and insight of others that know the Lord and trust Him. Andrew Peterson is a guy that shawn and i both love! :) he's a great artist and songwriter but even more so such a great storyteller. and what i love is that he tells stories that are about life and about our life in Jesus. this is one song that i love so much. this world is broken and torn up by sin and the effects of it. this song makes me long for home. i love the thought of looking back at the tears that have fallen here on earth as old tales. i long for days with Jesus where tears are something of the past.

After the last tear falls
After the last secret's told
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone
After the last child starves
And the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that's just too hard

After the last disgrace
After the last lie to save some face
After the last brutal jab from a poison tongue
After the last dirty politician
After the last meal down at the mission
After the last lonely night in prison

There is love
Love, love, love
There is love
Love, love, love
There is love

And in the end, the end is
Oceans and oceans
Of love and love again
We'll see how the tears that have fallen
Were caught in the palms
Of the Giver of love and the Lover of all
And we'll look back on these tears as old tales

'Cause after the last plan fails
After the last siren wails
After the last young husband sails off to join the war
After the last "this marriage is over"
After the last young girl's innocence is stolen
After the last years of silence that won't let a heart open

There is love
Love, love, love
There is love
'Cause after the last tear falls
There is love

what do i want?

i just started reading "searching for God knows what" by donald miller. in the first chapter he discusses i guess you would say sometimes our obsession with books, even Christian books, self help books you could call them, that talk about "formulas" or ways that we can bring about the life that we desire to live in God... what we can do and how this is accomplished... he talks about life with God as something that is not a formula but instead relational. often i feel that i do such a poor job at communicating what i want to so i am just going to quote what he wrote... i felt like it was good and wanted to share it with you. do i desire the things that God can (or that i want him to) bring about in my life or do i desire God?

"To be honest, though, I don't know how much I like the idea of my spirituality being relational. I suppose I believe this is true, but the formulas seem much better than God because the formulas offer control; and God, well, He is like a person, and people, as we all know, are complicated. The trouble with people is they do not always do what you tell them to do. Try it with your kids or your spouse or strangers at the grocery store, and you will see what I mean. The formulas propose that is you do this and this and this, God will respond. When I was a kid I wanted a dolphin for the same reason.

"I remember watching that television show I dream of Jeannie when I was young, and I wondered at how great it would be to have a Jeannie of my own, who could blink a grilled-cheese sandwich out of thin air, all the while cleaning my room and doing my homework. I realize, of course, that is very silly and there is no such thing as a genie that lives in a lamp, but it makes me wonder if what we really want from the formulas are the wishes, not God. It makes me wonder if what we really want is control, not a relationship.

"Some would say formulas are how we interact with God, that going through motions and jumping through hoops are how a person acts out his spirituality. This method of interaction, however, seems odd to me, because if I want to hang out with my friend Tuck, I don't stomp my food three times, turn around, and say his name over and over like a mantra, lighting candles and getting myself in a certain mood. I just call him. In this way, formulas presuppose God is more a computer or a circus monkey than and intelligent Being. I realize that sounds harsh, but it is true."

the other part about this section of the book that i love is when he talks about whether or not what we really want is control or God. i know so often i want control. i want to know how to fix relationships, not feel left down when blank happens, and find joy and happiness in all that i do. books that provide answers for these always leave me wondering if there is more... and it might be encouraging for the moment and there are some great books out there that don't just offer formulas but instead truth of pursuing God... but i do want to desire Jesus. i don't want to desire a life free from difficulty and a life that i can fix if i just do this and this... and i know that doesn't even work... i feel like we've all tried it and so often we are left empty. i want to desire the person of Jesus, i want to desire God my Savior, more than what he can do for me and bring about in my life but instead him, as an individual that wants to know me too... and that in itself is a reason to work on this.