my "Home"

when i started this blog and came up with a title for it, shawn was confused and wondered if i was talking about missing alaska and that was what the blog was going to be about and so forth... as much as i do miss my home state, i laughed with him and said no, of course not... we went on to talk about longing for our future "home" in heaven and how we have a desire to long for it even more as we continue on this journey in our present home...

i have to say, my husband wasn't too far off from thinking that i missed alaska enough to name a blog after my affections for it... :) i do miss it, a lot... there are things that i miss that everyone misses from where they started off life. i miss friends and family friends, church and the feeling like you are just at home... i miss the state too and the beauty there...

we went up to alaska this recently past christmas and spent two weeks with my parents, sister, and friends. it really was a great time... i have to admit though that as much as i love home... home starts to feel less like it was when it was "home home". not so much with family, but i noticed it in relationships or how i didn't always know where things were or how people were doing... there are new people (gasp! :) and new places and changes all over that you never notice if you just live there. life keeps on going and i think i just expect it to stand still till i come back.

sometimes when i am in chicago i wonder where in the world am i!?! i drive down roads all the time that i have never driven on before... the city is so big and there are so many things to experience that sometimes i feel like i'm on vacation checking out a new place! i love this but at the same time sometimes i get this feeling like i don't even know this city that i live in... now there are lots of areas i love and appreciate but there are just times where chicago doesn't feel like home either...

i went to alaska expecting to have this "home" feeling and it just wasn't there... i came back to chicago and couldn't quite find it here either... i got to thinking if there could be anywhere that really feels like home... a place where peace is found... a place that fits... i found myself longing for home, my real home, my future home, the home that i am on the road to... and at the same time in my desire to just feel that "homey home" feeling i found myself knowing that as much as life changes back home in alaska or at home in chicago, there is a Constant in all of it.

when i came to chicago i held onto verses in psalm 139 that tell me that i cannot go anywhere to get away from God. if i sailed across the seas He would hold me up just as much as if i stayed put. i find so much peace in this... i think in this and in Him i find "home"... and i desire for a perfect home in the future where that feeling of being home is completely fulfilled and completely satisfying...

do you ever just feel like you don't quite fit in? sometimes i do. sometimes i wonder where i am and what i am doing and who am i doing this with... and i know that though all these answers aren't always clear i do know that God goes before me and with me. He is constant. i love that. constant. always the same, never different, no matter where i am or where i go... though places and people and relationships change... though places and people and relationships are tainted by the stain of sin... though places and people and relationships never quite fulfill... the constancy of my Savior takes over and overwhelms.